BRAND NEW WHO

Please tell me this the biggest publicity stunt of all time (well, since Preston and Chantelle hitched a ride to wongaville)? Could it be that “disgraced” Russel Brand* will be taking over as the new tenant of the TARDIS and that this whole dirty calls row is a big PR front?

Okay, no, it’s not … but with David Tennant hanging up his two hearts after three glorious years, the bookies are offering all sorts of odds on all sorts of stars taking up the reigns. Johnson from Peep Show, the brilliant James Nesbitt, Rula Lenska. They’re all in the running. It’s like an intergalactic merry-go-round of period drama fops, cop show chiefs and panto Dick’s.

How great would Brand be as The Geek’s favourite Timelord? Eloquent, funny, good hair. The Doc’s assistant would be up the duff within a parsec, and you could sack the wardrobe assistant immediately – no need for you luv, with Brand already decked out in taffeta scalfs and knee-high hobnails.

With a whole new career in sci-fi, Brand could even bring out last year’s Christmas hit autobiography again, renamed as “My Wookie Book”.

Okay troops, let’s make placards and march on White City. You with me?

* for my international readers, I should explain. Russel Brand is a very funny, dashing, rather dirty, flamboyant comedian. He used to host a show on BBC Radio 2, but quit last night following national outrage from the over 60s, many of who have never actually seen or heard of this “grotesque figure” (© Daily Mail) as they’re too busy listening to The Archers. Why the outrage, you may ask? Well, he and the BBC’s top talkshow host Jonathan Ross left a message on the answerphone of a second rate Spanish waiter from a Torquay hotel, explaining that he (Brand) had slept with his (Manuel, the waiter’s) granddaughter, who just happens to be a rather buxom, burlesque dancer with – it would appear – a penchant for kinky leather sex (well, that’s what the photos suggest anyway). The fact was, Brand HAD slept with this lady, but she, sensing the dirty dollar, decided to make a right old hoo-hah out of it and sell her story to The Sun, raise her profile and bank the cash. I think a TV show may be on the cards for her. Cable, obviously.